In 1492, The Doctor sailed the TARDIS blue…

As well as ‘The Axeman Cometh’ I also have this coming out in June, as part of Doctor Who’s birthday celebrations:

There are five things ye should know about Doctor Who historicals, sire…

I like doing Doctor Who stories in history; it appeals to the lazy writer in me, to do without all that tedious process of inventing stuff.  None of those head-scratching mornings, pecking at the keys on the computer at random, trying to come up with space age character names that don’t sound like brands of suppositories.

I also love  mucking around with cliches in my stories, and your typical Doctor Who historical is full of them.  Finding cliches in a Doctor Who Historical is like shooting fish in a barrel (did you see what I did there?).  Now I’m thinking about it, I’m not sure how ‘shooting fish in a barrel’ became so ubiquitous that it entered the lexicon as a cliche; did they have massive international Piscine execution tournaments that went on for ages and ages, in huge arenas covered with splintered wood and fish guts?  I bet it was probably the national sport for about a week in the eighteenth century, before they found tobacco sponsorship on the side of the barrel, or there was a fish doping scandal, and they had to resort to snooker.

Any Doctor Who story gives you the expectation of a collection of things that’s ‘supposed’ to happen (corridors, monsters, villains, threat of oozing death), but a Doctor Who historical gives you ANOTHER set of things that are ‘supposed’ to happen, to put on top of all the other things.  The result being there are so many elements you feel you ought to put in that it’s tempting to write it like a pantomime; ticking the boxes as you go.   Over-familiar characters and set-pieces jump up and demand their voices be heard, like a strangely amorphous crowd of oddly articulate peasants.

Here are five, but there are many more…

1.  The Doctor gets pally with/threatened by a famous historical figure, who usually talk a bit like they’re from a Shakespeare play or, if it’s after the renaissance, like they’re in a Dickens novel.

‘If you insult my beard, sirrah, then mayhap you insult the whole make up department of the BBC.’

2. The Doctor says something enigmatic about the future which we as a modern audience understand, but none of the historical characters get.  This comment is directed at no-one in particular, and usually makes you want to punch him.  Yes, Doctor, you’re a time traveller.  You’d think the buzz would have worn off by now.

3. The Doctor discovers a villainous alien bent on changing history, but in a very fiddly way, like unscrewing Edison’s lightbulb or replacing Newton’s apple with an orange.  You never get the Master stopping the industrial revolution in its tracks by simply destroying the north of England, probably because the Thatcher estate would have sued for breach of intellectual copyright.

‘If we could just get George Stephenson to call his steam transportation machine ‘Thomas’, then we would create a franchise that could rule the universe.’

4. The Doctor, companion or his adversary inspires/causes a famous moment in history, which the Doctor thinks is hilarious, despite frantically stopping everyone else from mucking about with history for the other 99% of the time.

5.  The companion gets separated from the Doctor and gets locked up, usually by another faction from the ones they met when they first arrived, and always with inferior dental hygiene.

Tell me more about this thing called ‘flossing’, of which you speak, Doctor…

You only have to fiddle with one of the above to look incredibly clever, and look like you’ve re-invented the wheel, which co-incidently, is what the Master attempts in my next story, when he rips the fabric of the universe apart by telling Ug about dual suspension.

‘Trouble in Paradise’ is available here:

http://www.bigfinish.com/releases/v/trouble-in-paradise-853

Hi. My name’s Clive, and it’s been ten years since ‘Firefly’ got axed.

June is going to be a busy month for me; after two years a new Mervyn Stone Mystery is going to surface, this time on a shiny CD…

Image

…in which Mervyn is challenged to solve a murder, and comes face-to-face with Phyllis Trilby, the TV executive who cancelled his show in 1992.

Any fan of a Television programme that gets suddenly ripped from their screens will sympathise with the murderous rage this person inspires…

‘Cos it ain’t fair, is it?  We don’t want the story to ever end, and we never have.  The frustrated grinding of teeth from deprived fans are, ironically, over-familiar sequels from years past; it’s probably the distant ancestors of ‘Babylon 5′ fans who bullied Homer into recounting ‘The Odyssey’, that disappointing follow-up to the Iliad.

Queen Elizabeth used the force of her magisterial power to fight wars, kill catholics, and nudge Shakespeare into rolling out Falstaff one more time in a crowd-pleasing but ultimately unwelcome prequel.  In many ways she was the first ‘Star Wars’ fan.

(Apropos of nothing, are the ‘Star Wars’ prequels the most sophisticated textual joke ever played on a movie-going public?  The message in the films is ‘those who do not learn from history are doomed to repeat it’, a cautionary motif that is contained both within the narrative of the story and the fact they exist at all.  Is the should-have-seen-that-coming impending doom visited on the Jedi actually a metaphor for the gullible optimism that fans deluded themselves that ‘this time round it’s not going to be a disaster’?)

Scheherazade saved her own life with the promise of ‘just one more story’.   Perhaps like many fans today, that Persian king might have looked back on his huge Scheherazade box set, and actually wondered if staying up red-eyed for a thousand and one nights was worth it, and he should have just chopped her head off and gone out to play football, or learned to play the piano, or something.

Writers pretend to share the fan’s rage, but secretly, we love it.  I’m sorry to tell you that, but yes, we do.  Joss Whedon may have popped his bottom lip out when ‘Firefly’ and ‘Dollhouse’ got the chop, but he’s a writer and writers are unsentimental bastards; his brain had finished with them the precise second they died, and already busy forming quips that could be delivered by buff men and women in spandex.  I’m sure the only reason why Chris Boucher regrets there was no ‘Blakes’ 7′series five is because then fans would not keep asking him WHAT THE F*CK HAPPENED NEXT?  because i’m sure he had no idea either.  He had the best thing that could ever happen to a writer.  He got to write a fantastic cliff-hanger and never had to resolve it.  As ‘Sherlock’ series three advances on us, and we are on the verge of what happened after that impossible ending, Steven Moffat  knows full well what a lucky bastard Chris was, because if the BBC pulled the plug after series two, Steven could still tantalise the viewers for years with ‘what could have happened’ anecdotes on chat shows, but he could have also powered down the macbook and gone to the pub.

We writers love it because it give us a feeling of power without having to do any work.  Someone has very helpfully taken our creations hostage on our behalf, put a gun against their head, and reminded the fans why they care about them.  And how much do fans care about them?  A lot more than the writer does.   We get bored much quicker than the audience, because we have to write the f*cking words.  Just look at Sherlock Holmes again; most of the time we just kill them off ourselves, Conan Doyle stylee, just to see if anyone cares anymore.  Marvel and DC comics do it every other week, to jolt some passion into their readers.  Shame they’ve done it far too many times and it doesn’t work anymore.

‘Stop the debrillilators boys, I’m calling Superman at 1992′

To this end, I have given ‘The Axeman Cometh’ a subheading of ‘Mervyn Stone’s Last Story’.  Modelled as it is on Agatha Christie’s ‘Curtain’, Poirot’s final bow, I am going to tantalise you and enrage with the possibility that this is the last you will ever hear from Mervyn Stone EVER again.

Of course it’s all rubbish, but you can’t blame a lazy writer for trying, can you?

‘The Axeman Cometh’ is available from here:

http://www.bigfinish.com/releases/v/the-axeman-cometh-908

The New Closed Shop

News stories don’t make a splash anymore, they bleed.  We hear grim noises and the odd scream, but it only gets our full attention when there’s a red stain emerging from under the abattoir door.

This is particularly true when it comes to stories about the media; such as Hacking, Jimmy Savile and the subsequent miss-steps over naming a prominent (and very innocent) Tory Grandee by ‘Newsnight’.  It’s very ironic of a business that is all about ‘show’ that it keeps so much concealed, and when a vein is opened, it doesn’t stop until the floor is sticky.

The latest spasm of one haemorrhaging carcass happened yesterday, with Chris Patten justifying George Entwistle’s pay-offs, his full yearly salary, his fat pensions, his this, his that.  Contracts were mentioned.  They were mentioned a lot.  We as the licence fee payers were, apparently, very lucky to get off this lightly.

To the ordinary man watching News Online on his phone on the Clapham Omnibus, this seems staggering.  Surely if a man goes on Television after patently demonstrating that he’s not up to his job, and tells us he is resigning, then any contract is invalidated by the act of him going out the door?  It doesn’t matter if he did it with ‘dignity’ or as an ‘honourable man’.  Just piss off, why don’t you.

A disgruntled employee in an office, say, does not make a deal with his company, that in return for not telling his boss he can stick his job up the arse and emptying the stationary cupboard, he can get his salary for the next twelve months.  He has resigned.  He has not taken voluntary redundancy, and he really shouldn’t be applauded for it.

George Entwistle was brought down by an incredible interview on ‘Today’, when his complete inability to explain his actions, and his gobsmacking defence of not being on top of this grisly, unfolding mess was his plaintive cry of ‘I was writing a speech!’  You could hear the ‘thud’ as John Humphrys’ jaw hit the floor.

Incurious George

This was not the first revealing interview on ‘Today’ involving a DG.  A few years ago, Mark Thompson was asked why, at the height of the Russell Brand/Jonathan Ross controversy, that because he was on holiday at the time, he had to fly himself (and his family) back at the License Fee Payer’s expense.   Mark huffed, and he spluttered, and he said something like:  ‘Well you couldn’t expect me to abandon them out there?’

Well yes, Mark, we did expect that, or to put it another way, we expected you to pay for your family’s travel expenses.

Your family was, I’m guessing, staying in a very nice five star hotel in a very nice part of Europe.  The very idea that they had to accompany you home on a turd-polishing exercise that was purely part of your job is absurd.  You were paid handsomely to do that job (six times more than the previous Director General), and you actually expected this unnecessary expense to come out of someone else’s pocket other than your own?  That was the real scandal, and as so many real scandals are these days, obscured by another smaller scandal, which was shinier and more fun.

But Mark and George’s comments are a symptom of the insanity of media management in Britain today, a self-interested cartel as poisonous and debilitating to Television production as the militant unions in the 70s and 80s.

Whenever one self-interested group takes over a business, Television or otherwise, there are signs.  Process becomes more important than outcome; outrageous amounts of money are spent on something that doesn’t benefit the consumer; standards suddenly drop for no apparent reason.  Incomprehensible jargon abounds, which means nothing, simply a self-screening method for groups to create an impression that they are indispensable.  There are merry-go-rounds of jobs for the boys, where remuneration is an end in itself, not an incentive to do better.

The concept of an entire Union striking because an actor moved a prop is no more absurd than the ethos displayed by those two DG interviews; the idea that programmes are cancelled due to disputes not remotely related to their production is no more ridiculous than the closing of regional radio stations while at the same time putting up huge constructions of steel and glass across the country, buildings commissioned by managers, to house rooms of managers for endless management meetings.  Not for studios, or rehearsal rooms, or writer’s rooms, just rooms full of chairs.

Mark Thompson trying not to masturbate at the sight of empty soulless offices.

The money spent on the refurbishment of Broadcasting House exceeded the amount used to create the Millennium Dome – and for what?  What benefit to the taxpayer?  There are hundreds of managers in the BBC that have ‘communication’ in their job titles, but none have seen fit to communicate to the License Payer why any of this is necessary; in fact, as we have seen, management structures have been created so that managers don’t have to justify their management decisions; a powerful echo of those overmighty TV unions in decades past, creating systems and rules so they don’t have to do the jobs they’re employed to do.

A decade ago I worked at Channel 4, where I found it over-managed and confusing.  Editorial interference was routine, contradictory and intrusive.  There were incredible layers of management, jargon, and soon after that the station got into severe financial trouble.  The Chief Executive, of course, was Mark Thompson.   Sound familiar?  Mark left the BBC with a billion pound pension black hole, a reduced licence fee, a ridiculously expensive migration to Central London and Salford, an incredible brain drain of talent, and a costly land sale of Television Centre.  By any standards that you define ‘management’ that was a failure of management, yet definitions of ‘success’ and ‘failure’ do not exist at this level, as his happy recruitment by the New York Times suggests.  But then again, the US is developing a track record of welcoming head-scratchingly bad British exports; just look at Piers Morgan replacing Larry King…

Let’s go back to that Jonathan Ross/Russell Brand debacle.  One of the biggest sticks that the BBC was biffed with at the time was Jonathan Ross’s huge salary, paid to him by the BBC for his services.  There was justifiable outrage at his package, and a predictable witch-hunt for over-paid talent.  But again, that was the Press looking at something exciting and shiny and missing the deeper point.  The reason why this particular ‘talent’ was paid so much was also a symptom of management bureaucracy; a coward’s charter where ‘talent’ is sorted into people who were ‘assets’ to be retained and flattered, in order to show off ‘the brand’, and those they could afford to completely ignore.  The inflated salary to above-the-line talent was only one half of the equation, the reduction in quality of treatment to other ‘talent’ that they could afford to offend is the other.

If you watch an episode of ‘Doctors’ or any daytime drama, chances are you are watching actors wearing their own clothes, and who have been asked to drive themselves to the set.  It’s likely those actors were required to audition on the other side of the country, travelling hundreds of miles with no travel expenses offered.  If  they are ‘lucky’ enough to get the job, they are then are asked to work for salaries that have been depressed to a fraction of what they were in years past.  They are directed by trainees on work experience, and the scripts are written by writers who are part of ‘new talent’ schemes that mean their work is unpaid, and in order to be paid a proper rate, have to produce a series of scripts for practically nothing, after which they are usually discarded for more ‘new talent’ graduates.  Contracts are sloppily written and usually ignored, gambling that the ‘talent’ they are dealing with has insufficient funds or is scared about withdrawal of further work to actually sue.

This contempt is not new, granted; back in the 80s, actors were not allowed in the BBC car park.  Salaried staff, such as cleaners (who finished at five) were allowed, but young actresses who finished filming, more often than not at ten o clock at night, had to walk to their cars on an unlit road to a field in the middle of nowhere, which was where the ‘artistes’ were allowed to park.  The difference today is, that contemptuous attitude has now been packaged and processed and brought within a corporate ethos.  Nowadays, as a freelancer I’ve tried to use BBC premises to work on BBC shows.  I have been invited to ‘hot desk’, on a computer, which is usually broken, set between the open doors of the BBC white city building and the canteen, so caught between a howling gale and the stink of over-fried food.  I believe a similar technique is used in fast food restaurants to encourage customers to finish up and piss off as soon as is humanly possible.

This attitude to ‘talent’ is a bit of a mystery, as this is not reflected in the American model, where writers and actors at every level are well cared for, well remunerated and given incentives to work for studios.  The BBC attitude is a hangover from the time when it was a grubby idea to even work for Television, and that the ‘talent’ told everyone who listened that it was a shameful stopgap while more prestigious theatre work came along.  American television, borne in the tradition of cinema, never had that ingrained snobbery.

British television has management that aspires to the American model, but only when it comes to their own jobs, where remuneration is enormous, and there is an expectation that if you reach a certain level with a television company, you should leave that job as a millionaire.  The contradiction here is that UK television has never been based on the American model, and is moving further and further from it.  Like the British Film industry, it is not large enough; there is not enough quality comedy or drama to justify giving payouts to managers that mean they never have to work again.  Most of the on-screen product is cheap, and made on the fly.  UK TV is what it always was, a cottage industry relying on raw talent of actors, directors, journalists, writers and technical staff to punch above its’ weight.  It does not need layers of management to harness this.   There is no ‘risk’ involved in their world, unlike the US model where the stakes are much higher, success and failure are tangible, measurable things, and most US execs are fired several times in their careers.  If you removed most of the UK management, it would not make the slightest bit of difference as to what happens on the screen.  Their removal would probably make a lot of things better, and no-one but them would shed a tear for their passing –   just like the breaking of the closed shop in the late 80s.

Even today we shudder when the phrases ‘Work to rule’ and ‘Closed Shop’ are uttered, but in years to come I think we will also cringe when we remember the moment when during a parliamentary select committee enquiry, George Entwistle pointed out he was never ‘Head of Television’, just ‘Head of Vision’.

The ‘Telly’ bit is obviously superfluous these days.  But we knew that already.

Douglas Adams once smiled warily at me in a corridor.

I had the great honour of doing a tiny bit for the Douglas Adams virtual 60th birthday at the Hammersmith Apollo.

I once had the great honour of not meeting Douglas Adams.  I wear the fact that he once passed me in a corridor in BBC Broadcasting House, and smiled, and I smiled back, and I didn’t run around him and buy him drinks, and scream at him like a lactating gibbon, as a badge of pride.  I hope he enjoyed the day unpunctuated by noisy hero worship.

I had the really great honour to have a drink with Douglas’s daughter, Polly on the night of this charity bash.  We talked about college, and places to live, and really really normal Mostly Harmless stuff.  We laughed.  It was fun.

I can’t fathom why some people on the internet get upset at the death of their idols because of the future books they’ll never write, the records they’ll never make, the jokes they’ll never think up.  Even if that’s your immediate response, pause with your fingers hovering the keyboard, and try and think about the future games they’ll never play with their children, the future surprise kisses they’ll never plant on the necks of their wives.  To me that’s work unfinished.

So thank you Polly, I hope you enjoyed the day.

Here is my sketch, as wonderfully performed by Joh Culshaw on the night, in his ‘Fourth Doctor’ persona.  Please be aware if you read a charity sketch, like the one below, you are legally obliged to contribute to the charity, so please visit

http://www.savetherhino.org/

DOCTOR WHO BLUNDERS ON STAGE IN A CLOUD OF SMOKE:

(LOOKS AROUND)

DOCTOR:  Oh dear.  Oh dear oh dear.  This won’t do at all.  I was planning to hop back to 1979 to have a chat with my old friend Douglas Adams.  I had this idea for a stunningly amazing and informative television show he could write, about endangered species.  He could call it ‘My Big Fat Gypsy wedding’.  Oh well maybe the title needs a bit a work…

But It seems I have overshot and landed in 2012.  Still, I’ll tell him all about it. I’m sure Douglas would be very amused.  Nothing much has changed on Earth.  The ape descended life forms in 2012 are still so amazingly primitive that they still think digital television is a pretty neat idea.

How fascinating!  Many of his predictions have come true, I see.  (PULLS I-PHONE OUT OF POCKET) all earthlings now own handheld devices that claim to tell us everything about the life, the universe and everything, and yet are wildly inaccurate.

(PEERS AT I-PHONE AND PRESSES A BUTTON) (CAN WE HAVE A GUIDE SOUND EFFECT HERE?) I see the wikipedia entry for Rupert Murdoch reads ‘mostly harmless’.

(PRESSES BUTTON ON I-PHONE) (SOUND EFFECT?)

The I-phone has this to say about Greece.

Monetary units: none.  Well there are actually three freely convertable currencies in Greece.  The Euro has recently collapsed, the goat can only be exchanged for other goats, and the banks refuse to take the Elgin marbles as they refuse to deal in fiddling small change.

Yes Douglas will be delighted to know that In 2012 the banks are still products of a deranged imagination.

(READS FROM I-PHONE) What else?  Ahh.  And I see in 2012 they’ve finally perfected the infinite improbability drive – or I assume so from watching the republican presidential elections. Douglas would be very impressed to hear about Newt Gingrich.  He would think it’s a sign of progress that they allow Vogons to run for president.

Let’s see what it says about David Cameron…

(HE PRESSES I-PHONE) (SOUND EFFECT?) Ah!  The i-phone has this to say about David Cameron.  Your plastic pal who’s fun to be with.

Yes Douglas, in 2012 the Prime Minister of the UK is a product of the Sirius cybernetics corporation – and they still can’t do genuine people personalities.

And remember that idea of yours for a ‘b’ Ark?  Where they put the useless third of the population and put them where they can’t harm the rest of us?  The people of earth are doing that in 2012.  Only they call it the BB ark.  Or big brother, as some of them call it.    The only problem is they’re only getting rid of them eight at a time, and they keep letting them out again.  Don’t worry I’m sure they’ll work it out one day.

And would you believe it Douglas?  This device even has the ultimate question, the one to which the answer is 42.  I have it here…

(PRESSES) ‘What is the dullest song ever written by Coldplay’?

I’d better get back to 1979 and let him know.  I’m sure he could work out what it all means.  He’s good at that.n  There was no limit to Douglas’s genius.

(A DISEMBODIED VOICE SAYS ‘I SEEM TO BE HAVING TREMENDOUS DIFFICULTY WITH MY LIFESTYLE’)

Oh no, that voice can only mean one thing.  A freak wormhole has appeared in the space time continuum.  It has brought a Douglas Adams sketch from 1974 and placed it here.  We must watch it carefully.  Don’t worry, it’s perfectly safe.  It’s just us that’s in danger.

(HE LEAVES LAUGHING)

http://www.savetherhino.org/support_us/donate

The Drapes of Wrath.

Here is Lee Binding’s very lovely cover for a thing I have written.  It’s called ‘The Eternal Actress’.

Fans of the old television series ‘Dark Shadows’ will recognise the actor Donna McKechnie playing Amanda Harris.  Non-fans of the old television series ‘Dark Shadows’ will recognise skull, roses, pretty lady, curtains and creepiness.

It will be available from Big Finish in may.  If you buy it and get me to sign it, I guarantee all sorts of hilarity where I search for a non-murky bit where I can put my name.

Close the curtains Geoffrey, I'm Amphibious.

Geek Tragedy - by Nev Fountain

Reblogged from Taking the Short View:

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If you're a fan of any cult media shows - especially British ones of a certain vintage - and also possess even a rudimentary sense of humour, then author Nev Fountain's "Mervyn Stone Mysteries' trilogy of books should be right up your street.

The eponymous character Mervyn Stone was the script editor of a cult eighties BBC science fiction series dubbed "Dynasty in Space", with all the extravagantly dreadful costumes, cut-price SFX and sets and even more flamboyantly over the top performances that this implies.

Read more… 769 more words

The Boomerang Effect of Technology. Or how the more they throw stuff away, the more it hits you in the back of the head.

I was rummaging in the attic the other day, and I found one of these.

I got it in a goodie bag as a prize for sitting through an awards ceremony without starting a food fight.  Goodie bags are the awards equivalent of toddler smilies on fridgies: patronising, yes, but by God they work.

The last time I tried to use this digital radio it sounded like John Humphrys was being strangled by his own stomach lining, so it was quickly consigned to the Big Box of Crap.  Hey ho, I thought, as I dusted it off; it’s been ten years since I switched this thing on; surely technology has moved on?  I mean, thanks to all those accommodating churches and primary schools, you’re never more than thirty feet from a transmitter mast…

So I tried it again, and this time John Humphrys sounded like he was coughing up one of his lungs, which didn’t sound quite so terminal, so I suppose it was an improvement of a kind.  Given the march of technology, I think it will be the early 22nd century before you can listen to a whole interview with Kenneth Clarke before he starts to sound like Zelda’s son from ‘Terrahawks’.

Back into the Big Box of Crap it went, next to the larger digital radio which proved to be as incoherent as an ITV football pundit.  Back to listening to my clear-sounding no-frills analogue radio, at least that will never let me down.

Famous last words alert!

Be quiet, old man, and use your huge whiskery ears to listen to this message from the FUTURE.  Analogue is dead and digital radio is NOW, so it is decreed.  Just like digital television; that white-hot cutting edge technology that can take an axe to your favourite programme and chop it into screaming pixels at the first gust of wind, and allows you to toast the chimes of new year about twenty minutes after everybody else.

I’m not sure when rubbish technology got to be made compulsory.  They didn’t confiscate all our cars in 1984 and force us to scuttle around in Sinclair C5s, so I don’t know why it’s the case now.

Ha!  I’m only fooling with you.  Of course I know why it’s the case now.  It’s the cash-hungry politicians of course, lured by the siren songs of huge-breasted men in ‘Buffy the Vampire Slayer’ t-shirts, telling them (and us) that the Next Big Thing is so good, that we won’t need the Last Big Thing any more.  Kindle signified the end of print, and the internet killed television.  And it’s true.  How do I know?  I read it in a paper, and saw a programme about it on the telly.

It’s not just politicians that share in this conspiracy; the evil empire of Curry’s keeps shoving us down technological paths we’ve shown no enthusiasm for, and to make sure we get with the program they take away what we had before so we’ve no choice but to consume more metal boxes that don’t quite work when we get them home.   How apt that they’re using ‘Star Wars’ for their advertisments now;  surely it must have been Curry’s that sold the Emperor the same crappy Death Star twice over in seven years.  I bet he wanted a nice plain doughnut shaped space station that would last a bit.

'Tell your grandad they just don't make them anymore, sir.'

They push us in a direction, and it’s always circular, round and back to the same thing we sort-of owned before but slightly worse; lowering our expectations so that we get excited by the journey back to where we were.  I remember getting terribly thrilled when I bought a recordable DVD player only to sheepishly remember that I was perfectly able to record television programmes in the 80s; the introduction of DVDs had forced me to drop the habit.  It’s like hiding a stick behind your back before throwing it to a dog.

DOG THINKS: Yay!  A stick!  We’ve got a stick!  I love sticks!

(Owner hides stick behind back)

DOG THINKS: You know what this walk needs?  Something to add a bit of fun and excitement.

(Owner produces stick from behind back)

DOG THINKS:  My dog, what’s that?  Is that what I think it is?  They’ve finally developed the  i-stick 2.0!  I hear that you can actually retrieve it AFTER you’ve had it thrown for you!

Remember the lies they threw at us?  How digital radio would feel like Chris Moyles was there with you, playing records in your own room (okay, that was more of a threat), how CDs were completely and utterly indestructible, and would  play ‘Dire Straits’ even after being smeared with Nutella and fired into the heart of a supernova?   How digital television would provide us with some kind of choice about what to watch, and not 83 channels of strange orange ladies flogging us stuff (yes, I’m looking at you QVC and Babestation)?  Lies, all lies.  The promises are all broken, all that’s left is stuttering and a big ‘ERR’.

Here is a perfect example of circular innovation.  In the 80s I used to listen to a cassette radio in my kitchen, a tinny little thing playing tinny little tunes.  I recorded the bits on the radio between Jimmy Savile’s incontinent waffle, and made my own playlist.  And then came the ‘better’ radio (which broke), the CD player (which couldn’t record), the MP3 (which no-one bothered to make discs for), and now for convenience sake I just put my i-phone on; a tinny little thing playing tinny little tunes – with my own playlist.

Round and round we go, in all areas of our life.  Things are lost just so we can find them again.  Swanky new bottled water (with a hint of fruit) tastes like the weak orange juice we used to get in cold village halls in the 70s; 3D Movies are the latest thing, unless you’re over forty and have a memory (I’m sure ‘The Artist’ Oscar will probably usher in a new wave of cutting edge silent black-and-white movie technology.  WORDS THAT APPEAR ON THE SCREEN AS THEIR MOUTHS OPEN! etc).  Greece will suddenly get excited by the idea of having their own currency.  Call it the drachma, why don’t you?

Twitter and Facebook keep de-evolving into prehistoric versions of themselves, so they can have the power to gift their bits back to us.  It would be like an evil worldwide version of George Lucas, were it not that George Lucas has already got to the metaphor first, cornering the market in being an evil worldwide version of himself.

And so it goes on.   The Boomerang effect.  They’ll chuck away what you’re using now and hit you with the same thing in the back of the head, and get you to pay for the privilege like red-eyed junkies.  And it bloody well works.  I’d certainly pay real money to have hotmail back without sodding skydrive.  I suppose nuclear weaponry is the ultimate circular innovation; use this most AMAZINGLY sophisticated device once, and hey presto!  We all start appreciating pencils and cutlery and fire again.

And what’s the betting Curry’s will stop stocking spoons, and tell you there’s no demand for them anymore…

A local branch of Curry's, yesterday.