Tips for writers

Everyone else seems to be handing out tips for writers, so here are mine:

1. In hospitality, always go for the quiche first.  It’s always in demand.

2. When going for a meeting, if the producer has a picture of Clive Dunn in ‘Dad’s Army’ costume on his/her wall, leave immediately.

3. Be nice to all the lazy, stupid, thoughtless people you meet, for they will be kicked upstairs to be kings and queens of your world.

4. If someone says there ‘isn’t enough at stake’ in your script, smash the fire alarm and ring the police.

5. If they say they love the premise, they haven’t read beyond page 3.  If they say they hate the title, they haven’t read beyond page 1.

6. Never miss out apostrophes.  They don’t like it, and the unused ones wait above your head in the dark.

7. Whatever your script, whether it be comedy or drama, or a documentary about earthworms, the first line of your pitch should read:  ‘This show can best be described as ‘Mad Men’ meets ‘Only Fools and Horses”.

8. If a producer tells you to put a joke of theirs in the script, do it.

9. If an actor tells you to put a joke of theirs in the script, don’t bother.

10. If an actor asks you why his/her joke isn’t in the script, tell them you put it in the script but the producer told you to take it out again.

11. Don’t get drunk in hospitality and try chatting up the prettiest runner.  His/her body already belongs to whoever got him/her the job in the first place.

12. The writer’s theory of relativity states: If a writer is in a writer’s room doing bugger all work in relation to every other writer, chances are he/she is the relative of someone very important.

13. Don’t get drunk in hospitality and try to sell your idea for a ten-part spin-off series to the executive producer.  He/she is not there to socialise.  He/she is just waiting for the right moment to have sex with the runner in the BBC toilets.

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