Find enclosed part ten of my twitter novel, ‘The Pen is Mightier than the Nerd’.
This part is a bit of a game-changer. I had enjoyed all the ‘investigating in real time’ stuff, but now I was reaching around for ways to make things less repetitive. I was, dare I say it, a bit bored with the daily grind. Imagine my excitement when I realised that there was a second way in which twitter could make the story unique.
I also realised something obvious. If anyone could follow Mervyn’s twitter feed, then why couldn’t the murderer?
The ‘neutron rapier’ comes from the brain of Alex Mallinson, the genius who designed Mervyn’s book covers. He added ‘Contains Neutron Rapier!’ on the edge of some action figure packaging, and I was very amused by the brain picture it conjured up. I don’t know how it uses neutrons to stab people, but it sounds fantastic.
It’s a long train ride home. I treat myself to a cab for the last few miles.
There’s something wrong.
My door is wide open.
Come on! The cabbie is taking an age to give me my change.
They always do that, fumbling about, waiting for the harassed passenger to say ‘keep it’.
But I’m not giving him the satisfaction. Even though my bloody door is WIDE open!
I hang back. I’m not getting smashed over the head with one of my sci-fi awards. Even the rubber ones can kill.
There’s someone in the doorway.
They’re coming out.
It’s the police!
Clive the evidence man is taking out great big crates of my stuff, all packed in little plastic bags.
D.I. Wells is coming out too, talking on his phone.
I can’t decide whether to run away or offer to help.
I think I should g
Sorry about that. Dropped my phone.
Back home now putting my feet up.
BTW quick confession 2 make in case u haven’t worked it out…
I killed Alistair and Craig it was me all along.
I mervyn stone killed them
I’m not mervyn stone
But I did kill Craig and Alistair
Note to everyone over 40 out there
1234 is not the most secure phone pass number
I like mervyn but he is such an asshole
Did he really think that he can twitter away and nobody notice?
Did he think that Gary wasn’t on twitter? Did he think the police wasn’t on twitter?
Did he think that I wasn’t on twitter?
I saw mervyn hiding by that wall watching his house
I also saw Gary behind mervyn waiting
He’d been there for a day just waiting for mervyn 2 come home
He was very pissed of cos his girlfriend spent the night with mervyn
I know cos I’m on twitter
Luckily 4 mervyn the police want mervyn 2
And they want him more
They r waiting 2 and they grab him b4 gary stabs merv with a nasty big knife
I think it’s a Klingon knife
4 honour killings and stuff like that
I see mervyn drop his phone in the struggle
He’s holding it when he’s grabbed by gary
They both get pounced on by the police and shoved into a couple of cars
And I pick it up
I’m good at picking up stuff
I think mervyn is going to be out of action for a long while
So your going 2 have 2 listen to me for a while
Today I’m going to find Dermot
No one says no to me
@mikegbell: @mervynstone if you really are reading Merv’s tweets then you’ll know Dermot wont be an easy man to find
@mikegbell u don’t know me very well
It should be easy to find him
Cos I’ve got mervyn’s phone
Dermot ain’t on twitter – I’ve checked
So this is just our little secret!
Don’t tell him I’m after him – he hates spoilers
Yesterday morning I text dermot on Mervyns phone
Solved the case. Murderer is being picked up by police. Panic over. Where r u? Mervyn
The answer comes back the second I press send
THANK GOD! At my brothers in Weybridge. Well done Merv! D
Weybridge? Pillock hasn’t run very far
I google – find out dermots brothers name
How funny – he owns an antique shop in Weybridge. Birds of a feather…
It’s just a short train ride to Weybridge. I got there – and it was still only lunchtime
There was his brothers shop. But where was dermot?
Then I see him. He’s walking along the high street with his bags. I wonder how I can get him where I want him.
He walks into the car park. Unlocks his car. Puts his bags inside. Locks car.
Then I realise. So simple. I sit in the library – read a book. Wait until dark.
The waiting is over.
I ring dermot. I use Mervyns mobile.
He answers. He says – mervyn? Obv he’s seen the name come up on the screen.
No. It’s me. Remember me dermot? You wouldn’t sell me your neutron rapier? No one says no to me…
I know where you are and I’m coming to collect. Expect me in weybridge in half an hour
Of course five minutes later he’s out. He’s rushing for his car.
And that’s where I’m waiting. I press the chloroform to his face, fold him up and put him in the back of his own car
I treat myself to a swig of the coffee I bought in the cafe. I’ve put it in a flask.
We’ve got a bit of a drive ahead of us, and I don’t want us to die in a car crash. That would be embarrassing!
We r back in dermots shop. Just me and him. He’s all trussed up in a chair and ready 2 die.
But I can’t resist. I have to wake him up, just soes he can see me.
I find a watercooler. Fill a cup. Chuck water in his face
He finally wakes up and sees me. He is astonished. His nostrils flare and his eyes widen as he recognises me
It’s you! he tries to say through the gag. But I don’t give him any more time.
I push the rapier deep into his chest. He gargles as his lungs fill up with blood. And he dies.
And then I leave